Yesterday, as I pulled up to the gym where the girls take gymnastics, I pulled up, got out of the car looked down, and there it was.... a stain on my shirt. Oh, wait...there were 2!!! My hair was in the usual ponytail-turned bun and frizzier than you can imagine due to the imminent rain. I thought to myself, "Ok, here we go again. Frumpy, messy mom entering the gym, embarrassed to be seen looking this way, but completely out of options." I felt like the mom with a baby that always has spit-up on her shoulder....only I don't have a baby anymore!
This morning found me in tears as we headed out the door for another 0800 swim practice. Once again I had not had time to dawn make-up, fix hair, eat breakfast, etc. I did manage my cup of coffee... Here I am running, running, running, for everyone but me! Then, I took a nice bath in self-pity for the rest of the day... even while at the movies with the kiddos, during our Bible time, and well, the rest of the day!
Suddenly, I snapped out of it. Got dressed up (mostly before Hubby arrived), dawned make-up, and played my get out of jail-pity card to Hubby. He took us out to dinner. Later we went for a walk, and I was able to vent my frustration. I was able to finally verbalize the root of what my problem is.
While yes, I would occasionally like to have time to myself, fix myself up and act like a girl, I really don't mind sacrificing those little things for the bigger picture. The blessings that I spend all day serving and sacrificing for are so worth it. I would do anything and give anything for each of them. It really isn't a sacrifice. My true problem, is that I'm frustrated I can't do more. As the weekend draws near, and work is coming into focus, my heart is heavy. I'm sad that I'll miss the championship swim meet this weekend, and the party next weekend. I'm frustrated that all the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. has to be done and things organized and ready to go for the weekend. It makes my heart hurt when Little Bit says, "Mom, I thought we were going to make icees this summer." I can't do it all! I want to, oh do I want to... but I can't.
Hopefully, one day, they'll see the sacrifices I make. They'll see the love I pour out into each one, and know that I did the best I can. I am doing my best- and far better than I ever thought I could thanks to Hubby and Jesus. Even if they don't understand, I would still chose to do it over. I would still chose carefully every labor of love and every sacrifice.