Monday, February 25, 2013

The Rain

Today, it rained.
The roads flooded, and I was worried we would get stuck.
Pre-algebra tests make me think more than I want to!

Our kitchen has been in shambles since last week.  We are repainting the cabinets and now don't like the colors...and can't find a matching color for the walls.

My kids are driving me crazy.
I got in a fight with someone who means a lot to me... the fight was over when they stormed off, I have no closure and don't expect to ever get it.
I no longer have trauma at work, which makes me sad.

We need more money.
The house is a wreck.
The toilets are dirty.
It is still raining.

But, as for me and my house, we will praise the Lord.  He reigns. . . even when it's raining!

Thursday, February 21, 2013


I feel lost.. You guys probably all think I'm lost as I haven't posted in quite some time.  It has been a whirlwind of drama, sickness, and emotions here, and I'm quite lost in it all.  I don't even know where to begin. . .

Perhaps we should start with the flu. . . the girls both were diagnosed with Influenza B about 2.5 weeks ago!  They ran HIGH fevers (we got up to 104.8!) for several days before their mean, nurse, Momma decided to take the to the MD.  I convinced him to swab for flu in addition to the non-necessary strep test he did. . . and, 1 point for the mean mom. . .though I wish I had been wrong.  They were down and out of school for over a week. It's a sad thing that when you homeschool, flu, or any illness, is like a reprieve.  We are slooooowly getting back into the swing of things!

There have been some wild changes around here.  First, as a means of preventing burn-out while I deal with the demands of our daily life, we have enrolled Bean Boy in Classical Conversations... If you haven't heard of it, it is a college prep homeschool program.  He goes to "class" once a week, and completes assigned assignments at home the rest of the week.  We went to class to preview for next year.  I ended up leaving him for the day and he had a great time.  His teacher invited him to join this class where it is.  She said some wonderful things about him (my heart skips a beat) including that he fit in to this class well, and was at their level.  Sigh.  WARNING: I'm about to brag about my kid on here, cause I dare not do it in front of him!!! He basically skipped a grade, 2 in math! This Challenge A is approximately on a 7th grade level, and he does the Challenge B math which is pre-algebra.... AND, I've always been so worried about how he would do as far as keeping up with the rigorous amount of work a program like this has, but I've seen something odd in him... something I don't recognize.  I think it is called motivation AND determination!!! It is challenging for him, he's trying to learn to focus, and plan, and get all 6 hours worth of daily work done in 6 hours, and while it is taking him a lot of time, he has not despaired and has kept an amazing attitude.  I'm so proud!  :)

One other BIG change, one that breaks my heart, is that my hospital lost it's trauma certification.  This means no more trauma drama for me.  It does truly break my heart.  I finally found an area of nursing that I enjoyed, and I had previously thought that to be impossible.  We are still an ICU, but we will no longer have trauma ICU patients, just medical surgical.  It's not what I enjoy, and I feel like I have to start all over again learning, but it is what it is.  The hospital is appealing, and we should know by September what our status is.  I'm greatly disappointed   I no longer get excited about going to work, which makes the over time I am working all the more difficult.   I am grateful for the time I had doing it, and am hoping that our status will be renewed in September.

I miss writing on my blog. . . but as you can see, life seems to pull me away.  I do find this very therapeutic, whether there are readers or not.  I hope to get back to posting at least on the weekly wrap-ups, but I'll post as I can.  Life is such an adventure! Being lost is hard, but not the end of the world.  God knows where I am, even if it's not in a great place, He won't lose me!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Happy Anniversary!!! The Big 13!

SO, we've been married for 13 years. . . 13 years!!! It seems incredible! Unbelievable almost. It's even a little weird to me, to think that I've been with Hubby for 13 years. In some ways, it has flown by. Of course, in others, not so much. We've had our share of ups and downs, plenty of rights and wrongs. I'm thankful to be passing down a legacy of long marriage to my children. We've learned over the past few years how ugly and heart-wrenching divorce can be. It pervades every part of life and others lives. It affects people you don't expect it to in ways you don't expect it, and the effects go on infinitely; it's not a one time deal. Though my marriage is not perfect, the other option is, well, not an option.

 This past year (especially few months) has probably been some of the most difficult we've have to endure as a married couple. Hubby going through school, me transitioning jobs, the kids having their different struggles, time zooming by are all things that have greatly affected us. They have all kept us from really focusing on our marriage. Let's face it, we all neglect our spouses from time to time. It's just part of life. I have found myself thinking that he'll still be there when the kids are gone. While he may, I can't count on it if I continue to neglect him and his wants/needs, and vice versa. But, what about those days when I don't FEEL like I love him, or want to???? Well, one thing I've always said, is that love isn't a feeling.  God defines it for us in His Word...

Love is patient, love is kind. 
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, 
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 Love never fails. 
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

All of the verbs in the passage are describing actions.  Love is something we do, not feel.  Well, that's great and dandy, and I think it is VERY important to keep in mind when we don't feel like we love our spouse... but, not having that good feeling is very detrimental to one's own personal "psyche".  So, what is one to do?  How do you find that lovin' feelin' when you've lost it?  I'm certainly no expert!  But, I've gotten a little help... several, several months ago, I picked up a book called The Husband Project.  I think I read about it first over at Time-Warp Wife.  What I loved about this book, is that it was full of ideas and specific actions to carry out, to show your love to your husbands. . . the thing about it is, that even in grown-ups, actions sometimes precede beliefs.  Sometimes, you just have to do it, in order to feel it!!!  

This project was perfect for me.  I didn't follow the plan perfectly as described in the book, but I never follow any recipe perfectly either, that's just me.  I have to make it my own, so I did, and I enlisted a friend to hold me accountable, just like the books suggests.  I worked hard (slowly) through the plans I had made to make my husband feel loved.  I have heard my husband say several times over the last few months that I've been very thoughtful, and that he feels loved.  And amazingly enough, it has helped me to like him more too!  There is something about serving someone that just really makes you like them more.  

I heard a story on the radio once about a woman who visited her pastor, and said that she wanted to get divorced.  She just couldn't stand her husband anymore.  The pastor said that he understood, and that he would help her.  He wanted to know if she wanted revenge as well.  Of course she did.  So, they concocted a plan where she would pour on the love real thick, to make her husband love her more, so that when she surprised him with divorce papers it would hurt so much more.  The pastor said he would contact her in one month.  Well, a month later he called the woman and asked if she was ready to go through with her plans.  She replied that she had in fact fallen in love with her husband all over again!!! Somehow I think that pastor knew what he was doing...

I also picked up a neat little Pinterest project.  For Christmas, I made Hubby a book with 12 pages.  Each page represents a month.  On each page, there is an envelop with a tag that you can pull out.  Each tag identifies a date that I have pre-planned- we just have to put the dates on the calendar.  Each envelop also has the money/gift card needed for that date.  This should eliminate any fighting over who should do the planning, any guilt about spending the money out of our budget, any nights driving around in the car saying, "What do you want to do?" and hearing "I don't know, what do you want to do?"  

This month, our date was to Hilton Head Island- an anniversary weekend away.  It was a nice, very relaxing weekend, complete with bike rides, walks on the beach, and a nice nap!  AND, it only took 1 tank of gas!  The Island was pretty slow due to it being off-season, but we didn't mind a bit!  We had a nice time just relaxing.

While I know my marriage is a far cry from perfect, I also know I've been blessed with one of the good ones.  I never want to be guilty of not investing in it, working at it, or doing the things that define love.  I never want to be guilty of making Hubby feel like he is not loved.  I want to leave a legacy for my kids that doesn't involve 5 different Christmases, birthdays and other occasions.  I want to love my husband, both in action and in feelings.  I know sometimes that will require work on my part, and I'm willing.  Though I need to vent to friends occasionally, things are perfect, and sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side, I hope I can always get back to this point...the point where I'm working on it, and doing my part.

Hubby, thank you for 13 years together.  I'm hoping the next 13 years will be blissful, but either way, I'm willing to stick it out!  You're a good partner, and I appreciate you and even love you!!! ;)