Predictability....

WOW!  What a week I've had.  The kids had VBS this week, so I thought I'd relish the time alone starting with cleaning the house!  I thought this would take 2 days to do a really good job.  Then, I planned to plan for school, and get things set up for a unit study/lap book about the Olympics.... Well.... it took ALL WEEK to get the house cleaned how I wanted it!  All week!!!  On Wednesday, I began to become disheartened, thinking this job was never ending.  Plus, one of my daughters decided she didn't like VBS and stayed home with me Thursday and Friday.  This week was not shaping up to be anything like what I had planned....come to think of it, neither is my life shaping up according to my plans!!!

Besides the cleaning, I ran errands daily!  I didn't manage to cook one meal, other than breakfast, which of course means a big dent in our budget.  I'm not going to lie... I was totally frustrated.  I was working my tail off, and not really seeing any progress. UGH!  Today, as I was mowing the lawn (more work....) and complaining to myself about who should really be doing this, about the FL heat, about the sweat, my wrists hurting, and etc., etc, I realized I truly should be thankful.  I remember moving into this house and how God saved it for us for 12 years!  Almost all of the things inside have been given to us. Thank God I have a house to clean, kids to pick up after, a lawn to mow, garage full of stuff! I pray that I can be a better steward of the things I have. I pray I can teach my kids how to be good stewards of the things they have.  I pray that I can lighten the burdens of my husband as I mow the lawn and prepare meals and prepare to go to work.  In addition to giving me things, thank you Lord for my health and the ability to take care of them.  I pray God will forgive me for complaining. Help me to relinquish control when things don't go as I planned.

Apparently, I had a lot of time to think while I was mowing the lawn.  I was thinking then, that this weather is just crazy!  We went from drought, to flood in as little as 3 days!  We went from cool mornings with a nice breeze and warm afternoons, to sticky, muggy HOT...like hottest days of the year!  I was thinking how God is good to show us that He is in control of the unpredictable weather- and just as much in control of my unpredictable life.  Just like the weather, I can't do anything about it.... I can only change my attitude towards it- and that only with Him!

Hidden

SO, while I have the house to myself this week for VBS, I am CLEANING.... we all know a mom can't enjoy it until it is clean.  Once clean, I have grand plans, but can't move forward until the cleaning is done... I haven't even been able to get to the dining room table since the spelling bee!!! I did find the table this morning!  Then I got the idea that I would vacuum under the couch cushions... OH MY!!!!

It dawned on me as I removed the cushions and found, 2 smocks from our painting, paintbrushes, nasty food crumbs, and tons of other stuff, that my heart is just like that couch!  I can make it look soooo good on the outside.  I don't even know the dirt and muck and nastiness that is in there until God lifts away the "cushions" and exposes what I didn't know was there!!! Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick, who can understand it?  

Surface mess....

Note the magnifying glass!  Ugh- sin is magnified and brought to light when we allow God to clean us out!  I think it is funny that I found a ton of paper clips under the cushion!!!  Maybe my oldest was building a chain or something, I'm not sure.... but it made me think that with God, I have all I need to put my heart right, and hold it together.  Because hidden among the dirt and nastiness, is His Word!  How refreshing to know that His word has all I need to "clean up" so that my insides are cleaned up to match the outside.   Already you are clean because of the Word I have spoken to you. John 15:3

The nastiness deep within!

The thing is, that I know that in a week or two, the inside of the couch won't look  much different than it does now.  In order to keep it clean, it will require my constant attention!  My heart is similar...actually, more like the dishes that need cleaned 3-6 times daily!!! It will require CONSTANT attention!  There is no way to keep up with the filth, yet God says, Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life Proverbs 4:23- thus is born the hypocrite, the sinner, in desperate need of a loving, merciful saving God!!!

God is constantly putting in more effort than I am to sanctify me.  I love to think that one day I'll shine like the stars...cause He's making me shiny!!! :) Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world... Phil 2:14-15

Taking a Backseat

So, my life isn't exactly what I wanted it to be.  Things are turning out totally different than my wildest imagination would have imagined!  I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, to homeschool my kids, and to be the best wife ever.... It seems, God had other plans.  I continue to hope that He'll grant me the desires of my heart, or at least, align those desires with His plans.  In the meantime, I'm content to learn what He's teaching me...even when I don't like the lessons!

Right this moment, I'm learning how to put my hubby first.  I've certainly not made the best wife ever list, but now am seeing how I can be his helper.  Our life has not been a normal life. He had his own business for a while, went to school, more of the same business, now he's in school again.  It is a wild journey, and as he pointed out, we've been on some pretty scary and uncharted waters.  I'd like to think that on the outside I was fairly supported...even if I had those inward "You're crazy" thoughts!  We've sold a house in hopes of going into missions long term...China was our location!  We've created 5 year plans to build our dream home, and canceled them in order for him to go back to school. 

It's never been difficult to see how we compliment each other. This probably due to the fact, that we are opposites to the core.  Even down to I'm short and he's tall!  Our strengths are compliments and when you put the two together it makes a good one.... well, sorta!  Our sin of course gets in the way of that.  Sometimes, you know, when I'm having a bad day, his weaknesses really irritate me, and I'm frustrated that he's not more like me.  Those weaknesses often get in the way of my success!  Hmph!

But lately, God has been giving me a different vision.  Surprisingly it is one I'm ok with... How does He do that?  Right now, is not about my success.  It is about hubby's success.  Me being a helpmeet, means finding out how to make him  more successful.  What is really weird about the whole thing, is that I actually find it fulfilling!  Even in the midst of our currently crazy, survival mode, I am putting forth effort to think ahead for him as much as I do me.  Little things I wouldn't have considered doing before, because those are his things, are things I'm longing to do now!  Of course, it's a work in progress, and I often regress to the "I'm tired, I worked all night, I don't want to, you do it" attitude....

Thank you Lord, that you continue to make me shinier, that you put up with my sin, that you forgive me, and that you give me a husband that does all these things for me too!!!  It just makes me think that when you Delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.... Ps. 37:4

I'm a Mess

Please as I write this do not consider these "Super Mom" skills, we all simply do what we must. We all have different gifts...even you!

So- I posted about last week being crazy!  Last week consisted of swim practice (sometimes 2x/day!), dance, gym (twice), a swim meet on Saturday, a gymnastics performance at the gym, I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights (7p-7a)....got home this morning at 0900- went to bed, got up at noon, went to church to scope out room for our spelling bee with my MIL, went to grocery store (kids in tow), home to put away and feed, then swim practice...then we got home and I got kids ready for bed and into bed all while working on details of the spelling bee.

Spelling Bee segway- perhaps I'll write a full on post about this after the event.... but for now- this will be our 2nd Annual Spelling Bee that benefits missionaries!  They are organized by myself and my super-human MIL! It was Thursday evening (following this post)! Lots of planning and errands involved as well as lots of love for missions.

SO- to the point.  This morning when I arrived at home, I hugged the darlings and checked Baby T over to see about improvement in her rash.  I noticed her thumb was peeling pretty badly.  Went to bed and forgot about it...wonder why? (insert crazy eyes here!) When we went to the pool she got out and showed me that the entire top layer of skin had peeled off of ALL of her fingertips!!! One of them was bleeding!  Thank the Lord swim practice was over.  I tried to compose myself as best as possible and get home!

All I could think was, Lord, I'm too tired.  I can't deal with this. This is my baby and her fingers are falling off....and that was all I thought about for days.  This rash was a total of 3 trips to the doctor, 2 different medications, and hours of worry and heartache.... We still (a week later) do not know what happened to Baby T or why she got this rash.  Now that that steroids are done, we are holding our breath that it doesn't come back and that this was just one bad week.

All this to say that sometimes my weeks are crazy...even with a low budget, I didn't manage to cook much and we ate out a lot.  Our watercolors we started the week before the craziness sat there in our living room, half finished, until today (1 week after starting this post!).  Even after the kids did the Sat evening cleaning, the house is a wreck...crumbs on the counter, paintbrushes in living room, crayons on another table in the living room, etc....  So why am I focusing on the crazy?  So I can tell you that God gave me strength when I needed it!

All that crazy leading up to our Spelling Bee Thursday, and more crazy following with dress rehearsal on Friday, swim meet Sat. morning and recital Sat. afternoon, church Sun., then birthday party for all the fam except mom who has to go to work....  But, I MADE IT through the spelling bee, with last minute changes and drop outs and mess-ups..  I made through Baby T's crazy illness, the working, the schedule, and all that.  Not because I'm supermom, but because God gave me an internal motivation I've not known in a long time. God gave me the strength to say, "If I don't put this load of clothes in now, and fold this one now, I could be in a worse situation when I need them..." He is amazing.

Today I could relax a little.  No where to be until this afternoon's dress rehearsal....and today I was exhausted and had a migraine.  Praise Him that it staved off until when I could relax!

I just know He is good.  I know He provides. He never leaves me. He always gives me what I need...like it or not.  If only I could leave all that worry with Him, I might feel even less stressed in times like this.

How do you do it?

So many people ask me, "How do you do it?"  They can't understand how I can work nights, maintain a home, homeschool, feed the family, etc.  I can't either!!!  Other than, you do what you have to do.  It's not like any of these things are optional!  I don't feel like God has given me the freedom to put the kids in school, I can't quit work or we won't eat, and well, we aren't the best at maintaining our home... see my first post in regards to that.

So, how do I do it?  Well, it's God!  Of course you knew I was going to say that.... but I don't mean He's making dinner tonight!  I mean, He has taught me about self-discipline.  UGH!  Now, except for today- when for the first time in I don't know how long- I slept through the alarm, without fail I get up at 0600! Make the coffee, put a load in the dryer and a load in the wash and fold a load.  Spend time with Him, get ready for school, wake and feed the others.  This is what every weekday morning looks like.  Yes, it's boring!  I like boring...now!  God has taught me that in the mundane routine, I am much more content.  Things don't pile up as much, the kids are happier- probably because I'm happier, the husband is happier...probably also because I am... If momma ain't happy- well you know!

It has been a hard lesson, this lesson of self-discipline, and I'm still learning new areas where I'm lacking it.  It has taken many, many years to learn it.  How God continues to be patient with me, I'll never understand!  I am just thankful that He hasn't given up on me...He continues to place obstacles in my life that I need to conform me to the woman He wants me to be.  Of course, during that obstacle I often fail to see how it fits into His plan (probably another post topic!)...but reflective times like this I truly can be thankful, He is giving me the desires of my heart.  What a good God!

Compassion

You'll have to bear with me as I struggle to format my blog... I'm not gifted in this area, and as I recently told friends, I wish one of my children would become a techy so I don't have to learn!!!

This week my youngest daughter, Baby T, got a horrible rash.  I mean, from her hairline to the bottoms of her feet were covered...possibly under her hair.  My son, Bean Boy, kept calling her lizard girl.  He had her convinced she would turn into a lizard, and we would keep her for a pet!!!  Oh my word! It was hysterical...we all joined in and talked about how we would put her in a special aquarium so she wouldn't get squished!  She said she was going to crawl into Bean Boy's shorts and bite his hiney!  We were cracking up!!!!  It was a very wonderful snuggle moment in the midst of a not-so-fun situation!

But, the nastiness of her rash and the discomfort she is experiencing because of it, mingled in with probably the craziest 2 weeks of our year so far, has really provided some God-given teaching moments...for us all!  As we were in the car (we spent most of today there!) Baby T was really struggling with the itching.  She was whining, crying, and wriggling all around.  Oh, my sweet baby!  Then Bean Boy really started to get irritated...and while I admit it was annoying, and frustrating, I remembered all that God had taught me about compassion the year before.  It's so hard to set aside our annoyances and think about that other person first...but that sure is what God has done for us!  He has forgotten all the times I was too embarrassed to mention Him, or didn't obey His Word, or just really shown myself, and He has loved me anyway! He's remembered me in my misery, and why shouldn't I do that for others...perhaps starting with my own kiddos.  So, I reminded Bean Boy of how miserable 1 single bug-bite is.  And said, let's imagine that all over our bodies, and put forth a little effort into being compassionate.... the effect was an abundance of tears and a, "Can't we do anything else to help her?"  Oh sweet children!  Friends, sometimes the problem is so big all we can do is PRAY!  And in our prayers thank Him for the misery that leads to new, cleaned-up hearts! 

Thank you Lord for your constant compassion, and that your mercies are new every morning!  Help me not to run out of mercies with my children!!!

Why

Why...

It was quite humbling to sit across the table at dinner the other night from an old ex-friend. This friend was one whom I was sure I had immortally wronged about 10 years ago.  A friend that had been so close and then had become one of my "worst enemies".  Truly over something silly. But I was right!  And, so was she!  As we humbly sat across from each other (apologies had previously been given and accepted) I felt so embarrassed that I had ever acted that way....and that there was someone sitting there that knew how I could act!  I've done an excellent job hiding my messiness, my sin, the real me!  Even the mess in my house gets cleaned before I have company over...even the ones I love and trust!

So- three of us sat there at dinner, and we talked about how the blogs of our homeschool friends, and supermoms we don't know, always show those perfect clean-cut pictures...and why doesn't someone have a blog that exposes the mess?  SO- it has been born!

I love God as much as I possibly can....though often forget!  I am a homeschool mom of three, learning that my life is about constant sacrifice, and that some days I love it...some days, not so much.  I work two nights a week from 7p-7a as a nurse at our local hospital!  I still manage to do some pretty cool things, like field trips to the movies, make cookies, coordinate spelling bees, and more (all done this week!!!).  I am not a great housekeeper.... thank God for the children and husband who help with that quite a bit!  In fact I will post 2 pictures of my worst spots tonight and ask you to remember that there are 2 pairs of shoes, blankets, pillow, Lysol all purpose cleaner, a bag of books, a vacuum, a chair full of construction paper and more things out of place, JUST in the room I'm sitting in!!!

My point in exposing the mess, is to reveal my need for Him who washes all white as snow, to remind ME that I need Him, to remind me with Him, I can be a supermom....not because of who I am, but because of who He is and because I am His!  With Him and His help, I have accomplished a lot, even if the house is a wreck!  Lastly, this is to remind me to be content with the mess.  Life is messy BUT without the mess, I wouldn't need my wonderful, sweet Jesus!!!