This weekend proved to be a doozy! I ended up calling in sick for the first time in over a year! It started out as one of those bugs you think you can push through and work through it... but ended up being a, "honey come rescue me off the bathroom floor," nightmare! Thankfully, it seems like it was just a 24 hour bug! I'm getting back to normal...
I know many of you are getting ready to start your school year, or have even just started. I thought I'd share something I wrote several years ago. I wrote this during the time that we were having our son tested and diagnosed with ADD/Gifted... I actually gave this at a talk for a small group. I re-read it tonight, and thought some of you might find it encouraging.
Feeling Inadequate
When I was asked to speak here, I said, "sure," willingly,
thinking no big deal this should be easy.
Then we started having some struggles with our oldest, and I became
EXTREMELY discouraged. I thought, Lord,
I am not the right person to do this talk… right now I have nothing encouraging
to say… Well, you know how God is! He worked in me through those struggles, and
well, now to encourage you, I am going to talk about… being inadequate!
Pretty much that’s what I find encouraging these days…the
fact that I AM inadequate. Well meaning
loving friends tell me that I am quite adequate or FINE, but we all know we
really aren’t. Now that I have you all
squirming in your seats about my backwards view of encouraging, I’d like you to
take a moment to really ponder where you struggle the most with not feeling
good enough. Is it with cleaning your
home? Being a mom? A wife? Teaching your
children? Anything else? Really think
about it.
LET’S PRAY
Lord, please show us where we really don’t measure up. Help us to be honest with ourselves about
where we aren’t good enough. Lord,
please help us to place our confidence in you.
May you personally show each of these women where you fill in the gaps
in their inability to measure up. And Lord, even though it may seem backwards,
I pray that you’ll use each lady’s inadequacy to encourage them, and to help
them have hope in You, and to glorify You!
We love you Lord, Amen.
Ok…so, that oldest child of mine that I alluded to…well,
he’s been challenging since he could speak!
Strong willed, defiant, needing constant attention, talking without
ceasing, know it all… Oh my! He’s in 4th
grade now, and still not really able to do independent work…so, we had him
tested, and it turns out…he really does know it all! He’s gifted and ADD-fortunately, not the
hyperactive type. So- the entire week
prior to and after the diagnosis I kept thinking…God why would you give me a kid
who is smarter than me??? I can’t raise this kid! I can’t teach this kid! While at
this point, I may have more knowledge, I certainly won’t for long…not at the
rate he reads! I can’t do this, I’m not ready, I don’t know how, I can’t, I
can’t, I can’t!!! I walked around for
about a week and a half ready to give up the fight for my kid’s soul, thinking
there is nothing I can do, because I’m not enough!
God really showed me how discouragement, and feeling
inadequate, are a good beginning… God knows me.
He knows Bean Boy. He knows what
He’s given me and how He made me. AND,
despite how I feel, Bean Boy did not get switched at birth, nor did God make a
mistake! So now what? Prayer! And, relying
on God’s promises. I’m not sure which
came first, but along the way God reminded me several things. First, He said, “Kristy I know you; for I
have created your inmost being, I knitted you together in your mother’s
womb.” In that same chapter (Psalm 139) He declares
that He knows when I sit down and rise up, He discerns my thoughts from afar
and before I utter a word, He knows it!
This isn’t a God who knows me from afar.
He knows me intimately…and He knows where I am in my walk with Him, and
just how I need to be challenged, strengthened, stretched, and loved.
I’ve learned over the years to pray about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I guess I’m actually still learning…but God
cares about the little things, so I talk to Him about them. I’ve prayed about everything from schedules,
to naps, to lunch, to patience, strength, faith, and the hearts of my children. God has given me insight on the small things. He says in His Word for me to cast all my
anxieties on Him, because He cares for me.
I’ve heard many of you talk, and aren’t those the things that make us
anxious? Shouldn’t we pray about them
too?
A couple of years ago, we had a huge medieval feast for my
son. I spent months gathering
decorations, sewing costumes, planning a traditional medieval meal, researching
how to roast a hog, and even practicing with many chickens! I bought shields (cardboard ones) and spray
painted them gold. I had asked a friend
to paint the virtues we were learning on them, and said that just plain black
was fine. Well, I had the table set with
real silver candle holders, real silver goblets, and as much gaudy silver and
gold as I could find. We had a throne
for King Jesus, and I had decorated it with a red table cloth…it looked like a
red backed throne! When the shields
arrived, I was amazed. Theresa said that
no paint would stick. She tried several
different kinds. The only thing that
would stick on my gold shields was silver glitter paint…it proclaimed valor,
humility, teachable, honorable, etc. were our virtues! And, on the shield that would sit on the
throne…red glitter paint saying King of Kings!
Now- I know that in the scheme of things, all of that isn’t
important. I certainly did NOT pray
about the letters and their colors…I was busy praying the hog would turn out
edible, and that Baby T would behave (she was very sick that day). But I
honestly did think about it quite a bit…that black really wasn’t going to look
great… BUT- God KNEW! HE KNEW!!! It was
very important to me to have it all beautiful and magnificent and even
matching. I felt so loved, and was
convinced that He cared about the little things!!! He discerns my thoughts from
afar and before I utter a word, He knows it!
What kind of God is this? What
kind of love is this? Not even my
husband cared about the letters!!! Now I have more boldness in asking for even
the little things. Mentally make a list
of what they are, and test Him…see if those things that seem little but are
important to you, aren’t important to Him as well. God calls us His friends,
and the little things are a HUGE part of our friendship with God…
The next thing I’ve learned through being inferior; is that
it’s ok, because in my weakness He has been made strong. There are just times when I can’t. I don’t
have the words, the strength, or the wisdom.
I grapple with these feelings of inadequacy the most when I think about
my children’s hearts and souls. Oh how I
long to be the mom with the right attitude, words, touches, and perfect
sentiments all given at the perfect time… But, I’m not. I’ve come to realize though, that even if I
were the BEST mom out there, it still wouldn’t be enough! My kids need the Holy Spirit working in them
and working in me, more than they need me to be perfectly capable of handling
everything. There was this one time when
I thought Bean Boy might be cheating on a spelling test…he just kept looking
down and I thought that was weird. When
I questioned him saying, “What are you doing,” he said nothing, and we went on
with the test. I didn’t notice it
again. All tests were done in the same spiral
notebook so I wouldn’t lose them… When the next week rolled around, and I had
him go do a practice test, he came to me crying. When he began to tell me why, I could feel my
anger rising up, and began to pray (very unlike me by the way). He confessed that he had indeed cheated on his
last spelling test because he had never gotten all of them right and he really
wanted to. Somehow, the Holy Spirit
overrode my fleshly desire to pummel him, and turned this into a moment neither
one of us would forget. I was able to
say that he was forgiven. I tore that
spelling test out, which had been a reminder to him of his sin. Then, I threw it away, and told him how when
we confess our sins, they become like this paper and are thrown away and
forgotten!
-
Ladies…I must reiterate that I did NOT plan that ahead or
come up with it on my own. My short
little prayer of “Lord, what do I do, help me not to kill him…” was enough for
the Holy Spirit to take over in my weakness.
I want to take this opportunity to say we aren’t
perfect. We aren’t all going to be like
that person in our mind…you know the homeschool mom whose house is always
picked up, kids are perfect, has a great husband, has all the fun during
school…I think we all secretly have someone specific we are thinking of right
now! I have 2 and one of them is here
tonight!!! It’s ok if you’re not like
that mom! In fact, there’s no room for
improvement when we are already perfect or perfectly competent… we are supposed
to be in the process of sanctification- we are being made to shine, not already
“shiny”! There will be challenges this
year in school. Everything will not go
according to plan. Our kids, our
husbands, our friends, and ourselves, will all let us down! But God won’t. Take time to pray. Pray about the BIG things.
Pray about the SMALL things. Trust
Him. He knows you. He loves you. He
wants what is best for you. Allow
yourself to be weak so you can rely on Him more.
One last thing… God is faithful. Did you hear me? HE IS FAITHFUL, and hope does not disappoint.
There is a cycle of suffering here. We suffer in feeling inadequate…it is a
painful feeling. But, as we learn to
pray and look to God, we learn He is faithful. We learn He is trustworthy, and
we have a little more faith for the next time!
Record God’s faithfulness in your life, and look at the record or put
special markings…Romans 5:4-5 Not only
so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering
produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope
does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by
the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
My
feelings of inadequacy could really keep me down. They are discouraging! Until I remember, that this is an opportunity
to see God work…and the work He is doing, is usually for me and in me…to make
me more like Him, to bring me closer to Him, to strengthen me, and to glorify
Himself. And, well, as hard as it is I
love Him all the more because of it.
In
this time of challenge with my son, I would love to see God just totally redeem
the situation…either by making me gifted and ADD too so I can understand him,
or by making his brain normal. BUT, I’m
ok with the fact that instead, this is an opportunity for me to persevere and
for God to produce character, for me to hope in Him, and for His faithfulness
to be proved. While the outcome is certainly uncertain, I am already seeing Him
do a work in me. He is so good!
