Uncertainty and Doubt

My very handsome young man!

So, yesterday was one of those days.  My frustration level hit an all time high, which made my "grit" sink to an all time low. I just wanted to quit.  I'm so tired of fighting to get an "average" (or less) performance from an incredibly intelligent child.  He's your typical "do just enough" kid...and sometimes, it's just not enough.... Sigh.  His ADD and Executive Functioning disorder are more than just a diagnosis.  It opens up his mother to a whole new world of doubt and uncertainty.  Throw in a tad of giftedness (and hormones) and it is enough to make her want to crawl into a hole for, oh, about 18 years!!!  This. Is. Hard!!!!

I am so thankful for this incredible kid.  He is super, crazy smart.  Hubby says at night they make up math problems to do together, and that Bean Boy is making up trigonometry problems!  Geesh!  He's 11 people!!!  He is super creative and constantly that brain is turning.  It makes my brain feel exhausted.  He is funny.  Fortunately, and unfortunately, he got my sense of humor.  It's funny, but extremely sarcastic and for an 11 year old without discernment... well, it can mean trouble.  Adults love this kid! Really, they do. And, they can never figure out why he causes me so much frustration and stress, because they just think he is so wonderful.  And, he is wonderful....

But, he is a strong-willed kid.  When he was younger, it used to really frustrate me when people thought it would make things better to say, "He is strong-willed. He'll be a good leader one day."  I constantly thought, if he makes it!  I totally see now that no one (and I mean NO ONE) will convince that kid to do anything he doesn't want to do. So, the imperative to teach him to do the right thing, and to pray the Holy Spirit will make him desire the right thing, feels that much greater.

Insert doubt and uncertainty here... This is where I am faint of heart.  I struggle with knowing where he is.  Hubby and I frequently compare him to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.  He is almost completely without emotions or the capability to talk about them.  The only time he shows emotion is when he is dog tired and completely unable to function; which, due to his sleeping issues, is frequently.  And these emotions come in outbursts of tears and unreasonable attitude, and end in him being sent to bed.  I long to connect with him on any level outside of Phineas and Pherb, comics, and fantasy.  It makes my heart ache....

I long for him to be able to sleep.  I long to be confident in the decisions we make concerning him.  I long for him to develop healthy friendships with kids his own age.  The only decision I confidently trust, is our decision to homeschool.  While there are days that I think it would be easier to send him to school, deep down I believe that is a lie from the enemy.  My heart aches for this kid who struggles with a sleeping disorder, inability to organize, and inability to focus.  It hurts.  I do wish it were me and not him.  I never know if I should let him sleep or push him through it.  I never know if I should give consequences for losing school work and books, or revamp our organization.  I feel like I cannot give him the training and tools he needs to become a man who will be able to support his family... there just isn't time!  Some days, I truly feel like a failure.

Insert frustration here.... he's so stinking smart.  My brain and heart oscillate from compassion to frustration.  Surely he is smart enough to remember when you are done with the math book, put it away.  Don't make your sisters squeal; it is not fun for them.  All sentences begin with capital letters and end with a punctuation mark (picture him rolling eyes here).  Now that he is in 6th grade, the pressure (from where I don't know) to focus more on academics and learning certain things, is mounting.  He is 11, I should be able to expect a little bit more maturity.  Right?  So, I get angry.  That solves a whole lot, right?

There just aren't words to describe the constant nagging in my heart, that says I messed up again, the pain of knowing he's not like other kids, the uncertainty and questioning of every decision we make concerning him.  There is fear about what his future holds.  Will he be able to focus enough to hold a job? Will he be able to turn in documents that are completed (and punctuated) correctly, without food and crumpling?  Will he be able to connect with a woman and marry?  There is so much uncertainty...my heart grows weak.

I try not to borrow trouble from tomorrow and the future, especially Bean Boy's future.  It is more than I can bear, to think about what could be.  Instead, today I am choosing to believe that God will redeem the situation.  I believe God has a plan for him.  I believe He has a specific purpose and calling, and that Bean Boy is unique for this reason.  I believe apart from God, I cannot have certainty in parenting this amazing kiddo.  And even then, it is hard.  So, minute by minute I must choose to trust God for my son.  It is hard work, this faith thing!  :)

Yes, he is goofy!

Yes, he does like to read the dictionary.....

Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart; Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him and He will act. Ps. 37: 3-5

School Room- The Ugly Truth!

Ok... so this blog is named The Mess Exposed, as a reminder to be truthful about the struggles and imperfections of homeschooling and not present a perfect front others can't live up to... and right now, I'm soooo wishing it weren't. I committed myself to participating in the iHomeschool network blog hop that is hopping weekly around different topics. Unfortunately, this week's topic is your school room. So, with red cheeks, I present to you the pictures of my school room...

UGH! It has so much potential, but it seems to look like this more often than not! My daughter's gymnastic mat somehow gets stored in here, the desk has become the "catch all," the kids apparently don't know how to put books away, or won't. Even though there are 2 garbage cans in here, there is garbage all over the floor! SO, most of the time I keep the door closed, and make the kids come back here for stuff, because I get sooo frustrated. There are 3 of them and 1 of me... A couple of years ago, we all drove to IKEA and got this great bookshelf. I came up with a great way to help my most unorganized child stay organized. I had a ton of letter trays, and fit them into the squares of the shelves. Each tray is to hold its own subject, and you don't even have to use the same tray each time. Just put it back into a clean, empty slot.  Somehow, even that is too much for him.  I tell him to put his school books away and come back here to find them on the floor, desk, or shoved in square of the shelf that doesn't have the letter trays... sigh...

About 5-6 times a year, I really clean it out and we use it and keep it clean for a couple of weeks...then someone comes over and everyone puts stuff in...you know, the stuff you're not sure where it should go. Then it starts getting to the point where I don't have enough time to get it, and the cycle starts over.  It takes me an entire day to get it clean, and if you've been following my blog at all, you know I don't have many of those.  But, now, I will try to work on it this week, so I can post a picture of it all clean!  When it is clean, I love it, and I love doing some of our school in there. I've got a corner desk outside of the corner, that way the kids and I can sit across from each other, all my supplies are right there and we don't have to wait or run all over to look at them, and I'm one of those nerdy people who love school supplies, school rooms, and school (elementary) all together....

If I'm able to get it back in shape, I'll post pictures of how it is supposed to look!  Hopefully you guys are having better luck with your school rooms!


This was so popular at ihomeschoolnetwork, that I thought I'd share here too...

Stiff-necked

Sometimes it's really hard to explain just how in the world discipline can be a good thing!  But sometimes, God gives you insight that is just incredible... (or, in my case, He gives it to my hubby!)  The last several weeks have been a time of high intensity discipline for my son.  The results, as God has promised, have been good... and, it should be noted that their was high intensity love and compassion to go along with the discipline... At the height of the conflict, or maybe right at the breaking point, Hubby and my son had an interesting discussion.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace. Hebrews 12:11

First I should explain that for just under a year, I have been seeing a chiropractor.  I started at 3 times a week, and have backed down to 2 (most weeks).  We have "therapy" first where the muscles are loosened so that when Dr. Burke adjusts us, everything moves more readily back into alignment.  At first, Bean Boy, Baby T and I were the only patients.  Recently my husband and Little Bit have begun going as well. Hubby was very amused to sit back and watch.  He would giggle, ask a million questions (we wonder where Bean Boy gets this) and just really be an active observer.  But, when it came to be his turn...well, it was my turn to sit back and giggle!  He really does not like to be adjusted.  He complains, stiffens up, and later says things I can't repeat!  It is so funny!  Laying completely still makes him feel completely vulnerable.  Because he won't relax and lay still, the effectiveness of the therapy is lessened. He also won't go as often as recommended.  It makes Dr. Burke's job harder and it makes it take longer, with more repetition in order to achieve release and properly align the spine, and a longer course of therapy in general due to his less frequent visits.  Once he is properly aligned, he will agree that he can feel improvements, and apparently, they are good enough to keep going back for more.   

Back to the discussion at hand.... Hubby was able to use the analogy of the chiropractor to show how discipline is good.  He pointed out how Bean Boy has made far greater improvements than Hubby as far as his alignments go.  But, Bean Boy has been far more faithful to go, to do therapy at home, and to cooperate while there at the chiropractor.  Bean Boy has been far more willing to be vulnerable to Dr. Burke and to trust her with the work she does than Hubby has.  He just gets right up there on the table and lets her do her thing.  Hubby then explained that when we are "stiff-necked" and stubborn before authority, whether it be parents, a boss, or God, we are much like Hubby is at Dr. Burke's.  If we do not submit, allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and trust, we cannot see progress in our hearts.  However, when we trust our authority, submit and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, God is able to adjust our hearts, and it won't take as long, or be as painful. The only thing I have to add to this analogy, is that the therapy that keeps us "loose" and ready to be "aligned", is meditating on God's Word.  If we "hide His Word in our hearts"....we might not "sin against Him." Psalm 119:11 (my paraphrase). 

I'm afraid that sometimes, this analogy isn't just applicable to my son.... sometimes I resist God's therapy. I resist God's discipline in my life.  I won't trust Him. When I find myself under some sort of discipline, I find it especially difficult to submit, and am more likely to rebel.  I want to argue and stiffen up, and go before Him less and less.  Isn't that just like us?

My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of His reproof, for the Lord reproves those He loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.  Proverbs 3:11-12

Hubby and I will fail Bean Boy.  We won't discipline perfectly. We will make mistakes.  Not intentionally of course, but obviously, we don't have all the answers, can't see every situation perfectly, and can't truly judge his heart.  But our Heavenly Father has none of the limitations Hubby and I have.  He can see every situation and all sides of it.  He won't make mistakes and He does have all the answers.  His discipline for us is perfectly selected to adjust our hearts back into alignment with His will.  Isn't He good?

Weekly Wrap-up

Well, I told you about my crazy schedule earlier in the week.... 3 nights on, one night off, and one night on!!!  For those of you who have never worked night shift, it is the every other nights that really do you in.  Plus, I didn't have a full "normal" day until yesterday....and by 3:00, I was DONE!  Thankfully, hubby made dinner, and let me sit alone in my room with my computer.

Bean Boy
Bean Boy has had a difficult week too, learning really hard lessons.  I've turned over the discipline to my hubby.... it has been painful for Bean Boy, but the follow through has been something he has needed.  I guess the mommy in me has "given in" more than I'd care to admit. I will admit that I would have given in again!  BUT, the yes ma'ams have returned to his vocabulary, and there is a much sweeter spirit.  In fact, last night, after dinner, I very casually said to my husband that brownies would taste good.  I disappeared into my room for some alone time with my computer, and Bean Boy, unbeknownst to me, found a box of brownies and made them... just for me!!!!  That is the single most thoughtful thing he has EVER done for me!!! No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who are trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

Baby T
Baby T had an exciting week.... for her birthday back in May, we had asked people to give money to buy her a gym mat.  I've been waiting and waiting for her Aunt to help me (she's a gym coach) get the best mat for the best value....but she works night shift as a nurse too, and we never work the same schedule!  So, I finally manned up and picked one myself.  I showed it to Baby T on the internet, she wanted purple, and I wanted free shipping!  We both got what we wanted!  It was funny that when the box arrived no one (maybe Bean Boy) figured out what it was!  When they opened it, there was a lot of cheering! :) That makes me smile!!!  As if we didn't have non-stop gymnastics already!  At least I don't have to worry as much about their heads on the concrete floor!!!



Her rash has come back, so please pray for her.  This time it is not as extensive.  I'm thinking it is an allergy to sunscreen because we went swimming the day before it started, and it is only in places where we put sunscreen.... We may be seeing a dermatologist or allergist.

Little Bit
Poor sweet girl!  She woke up this morning at 0530 throwing up!  I'm not sure what this says about me, other than showing how selfish I am, but my first thought was....well, my date plans with hubby are ruined!  The girls were supposed to spend the night with a friend and Bean Boy with Grandma.  Of course, when I joined her in the bathroom, her first words, with tears in her eyes, were, "I won't be able to spend the night with [my friend]".  Like mother, like daughter!

Despite the working, and the sickness, we had a good week in school.  Bean Boy finished everything on his list (or will by the end of today).  The girls will have a sick day today.  Yesterday we went to the $2 summer movie and watched How to Train Your Dragon.  That's my favorite kids movie!!!  A little scary for Baby T, but it provided sweet snuggle time. 

Even with the illness, I am looking forward to having a weekend off.  It is probably the thing I miss most since I've started working...weekends. Don't take them for granted! :)

Thank you Lord for another week with my wonderful family.  Even though we have a sickie, I am looking forward to the weekend. Be with us and help us to make the most of our times together!

*Check it out, I've linked up with Kris at Weird Unsocialized Homeschoolers!

Trust

Ok.... the lessons God is teaching me from my wonderful child are never ending. I posted in a comment how "sneaky" it was of God to give me children in order to teach me about Him!  But you know, what a good way!  It is all so clear with my little mirrors running around all day disobeying, having attitudes, struggling with sin. They all point right back to me exposing the mess in my heart!  Ouch!  But, they are truly God's tool to sanctify me.  Thank you Lord for your wisdom.

Last night in our "big discussion" it was so brilliantly clear to me that the reason we have the attitude issues (my personal favorite... ugh), the arguing (running a close 2nd), and sly disobedience, is because this child does not trust me.  In his heart, he has accused me of not having his best interest in mind and of serving myself first and, probably, only.  It is because he judges in his heart only with what his eyes can see.  He can't see that while yes, I have asked him to do chores, help with messes he didn't make, be loving to the difficult to love, serve others, etc., I am doing that too. He can't see that I have never asked him to do anything that I wouldn't do myself.  He can't see that my going to work, home schooling, maintaining the home, driving him all over town for functions, etc. is a constant sacrifice of myself and my wants.  He doesn't see that in this home, I am the servant. He can't realize that sometimes I answer him quickly because I have more information than he does, and that he might not be privy to that information... and furthermore, that it is well within my right because of my God-given authority to with hold that information should I see fit.  He just doesn't trust me! (Perhaps that is my fault...but that will be for another post).

Enter here, that mirror.... I can't see that God has all the information, has my bests interests at heart, etc. I can't/won't see that because I'm constantly looking at what's in front of me.  If I trusted God, I wouldn't need all the information.  I could just obey peacefully, because I know He came to serve not to be served.  It is just so much easier to trust what is right here, right now.

I'd like to know how to get to the place where I'm at least as good as Peter... where I can walk on water because I've kept my eyes on Him. I want to get to the place where I am secure enough in who He is, that the storms around me aren't evident because I'm basking in his light.  If I could simply obey and focus on Him... He is good. He is faithful. He is trustworthy.  I want to live like I believe that. I also want to live in a way that my kiddo believes those things are true of me.

Here I am again at the end of another post, and all I can say again is, thank you Lord! Thank you for the 3 wonderful sanctifying mirrors you've given me.  Thank you for patiently teaching me about you. Thank you for teaching me to trust you, to know you, to love you.  It is all from you. You are good and loving and wonderful!  Lord, save me!

Matthew 14:29-30 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.”

Mercy Muscles

Lamentations 3:22-23  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

 

I am a sinner.  A big, fat hypocrite.  I need grace.  I need mercy.  I need love.  Without God to supply these, I am nothing but a constant failure!  As a parent, I fail daily.  I am constantly challenged by one of my children, and daily I fail.  I lose my patience, don't listen, nag, argue, yell, get angry, lose my temper, etc.  

Just today I LOST IT with this particular child.  Now, his act was grievous and against someone smaller, but certainly I could have responded better!  I was already angry at this child for poking along when others were waiting, and for basically telling me "no" when I asked him to do something....Oh, I was HOT!  I was still angry at him for the way he treated me yesterday too!!!  I think all of these things were thrown into the mix of frustration when I lost it with him.... not to mention the constant friction and frustration  with circumstances in our life right now.... (no excuses here, I'm guilty).  

In speaking with him later, I reminded him that sometimes we have to give up the right to be right.  Let it go.  Let go the need to have the last word.  I reminded him that we have to practice grace and mercy.  They don't come naturally, but are expected from God.  It is an exercise that we must perform daily, and sometimes several times a day.  I think we as Christians often think that we just are these things.  We are full of grace and mercy... but that's just not true.  Christ certainly was, but not us.  We have it available to us through the Holy Spirit, but mercy, grace, love, faith, are all action words that we must do.  In order to do it well, we must exercise those "love muscles" or "mercy muscles".  And, unfortunately, it is a repetitive exercise!  

How often are you able to "lecture" one of your children and not have it come back to bite you in the rear?  For me, it is not often.  I have not been practicing mercy for this child.  I have not had new mercies every morning.  Instead, I have kept a record of wrongs on hand to remind me just how challenging this child can be.  I have not been practicing godly love toward this child either.  I've gotten out of practice and need to continue building up my "mercy and love muscles".  Fortunately, God gave me this child, so I would have many opportunities for more "reps"!  

Thankfully, God's love and mercy muscles are built up as much as they can be!  He is never fatigued, never weak, never out of practice.  In fact, daily His mercy muscles are re-energized and ready to show me mercy again and again!   That works out nicely for me since I mess up so frequently! ;)  His love and mercy never run out!  Oh Thank you Lord!  I do not deserve it, but am so grateful! May I be a living example of your grace and mercy, especially to my children!!!

I'm a Mess

Please as I write this do not consider these "Super Mom" skills, we all simply do what we must. We all have different gifts...even you!

So- I posted about last week being crazy!  Last week consisted of swim practice (sometimes 2x/day!), dance, gym (twice), a swim meet on Saturday, a gymnastics performance at the gym, I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights (7p-7a)....got home this morning at 0900- went to bed, got up at noon, went to church to scope out room for our spelling bee with my MIL, went to grocery store (kids in tow), home to put away and feed, then swim practice...then we got home and I got kids ready for bed and into bed all while working on details of the spelling bee.

Spelling Bee segway- perhaps I'll write a full on post about this after the event.... but for now- this will be our 2nd Annual Spelling Bee that benefits missionaries!  They are organized by myself and my super-human MIL! It was Thursday evening (following this post)! Lots of planning and errands involved as well as lots of love for missions.

SO- to the point.  This morning when I arrived at home, I hugged the darlings and checked Baby T over to see about improvement in her rash.  I noticed her thumb was peeling pretty badly.  Went to bed and forgot about it...wonder why? (insert crazy eyes here!) When we went to the pool she got out and showed me that the entire top layer of skin had peeled off of ALL of her fingertips!!! One of them was bleeding!  Thank the Lord swim practice was over.  I tried to compose myself as best as possible and get home!

All I could think was, Lord, I'm too tired.  I can't deal with this. This is my baby and her fingers are falling off....and that was all I thought about for days.  This rash was a total of 3 trips to the doctor, 2 different medications, and hours of worry and heartache.... We still (a week later) do not know what happened to Baby T or why she got this rash.  Now that that steroids are done, we are holding our breath that it doesn't come back and that this was just one bad week.

All this to say that sometimes my weeks are crazy...even with a low budget, I didn't manage to cook much and we ate out a lot.  Our watercolors we started the week before the craziness sat there in our living room, half finished, until today (1 week after starting this post!).  Even after the kids did the Sat evening cleaning, the house is a wreck...crumbs on the counter, paintbrushes in living room, crayons on another table in the living room, etc....  So why am I focusing on the crazy?  So I can tell you that God gave me strength when I needed it!

All that crazy leading up to our Spelling Bee Thursday, and more crazy following with dress rehearsal on Friday, swim meet Sat. morning and recital Sat. afternoon, church Sun., then birthday party for all the fam except mom who has to go to work....  But, I MADE IT through the spelling bee, with last minute changes and drop outs and mess-ups..  I made through Baby T's crazy illness, the working, the schedule, and all that.  Not because I'm supermom, but because God gave me an internal motivation I've not known in a long time. God gave me the strength to say, "If I don't put this load of clothes in now, and fold this one now, I could be in a worse situation when I need them..." He is amazing.

Today I could relax a little.  No where to be until this afternoon's dress rehearsal....and today I was exhausted and had a migraine.  Praise Him that it staved off until when I could relax!

I just know He is good.  I know He provides. He never leaves me. He always gives me what I need...like it or not.  If only I could leave all that worry with Him, I might feel even less stressed in times like this.

Compassion

You'll have to bear with me as I struggle to format my blog... I'm not gifted in this area, and as I recently told friends, I wish one of my children would become a techy so I don't have to learn!!!

This week my youngest daughter, Baby T, got a horrible rash.  I mean, from her hairline to the bottoms of her feet were covered...possibly under her hair.  My son, Bean Boy, kept calling her lizard girl.  He had her convinced she would turn into a lizard, and we would keep her for a pet!!!  Oh my word! It was hysterical...we all joined in and talked about how we would put her in a special aquarium so she wouldn't get squished!  She said she was going to crawl into Bean Boy's shorts and bite his hiney!  We were cracking up!!!!  It was a very wonderful snuggle moment in the midst of a not-so-fun situation!

But, the nastiness of her rash and the discomfort she is experiencing because of it, mingled in with probably the craziest 2 weeks of our year so far, has really provided some God-given teaching moments...for us all!  As we were in the car (we spent most of today there!) Baby T was really struggling with the itching.  She was whining, crying, and wriggling all around.  Oh, my sweet baby!  Then Bean Boy really started to get irritated...and while I admit it was annoying, and frustrating, I remembered all that God had taught me about compassion the year before.  It's so hard to set aside our annoyances and think about that other person first...but that sure is what God has done for us!  He has forgotten all the times I was too embarrassed to mention Him, or didn't obey His Word, or just really shown myself, and He has loved me anyway! He's remembered me in my misery, and why shouldn't I do that for others...perhaps starting with my own kiddos.  So, I reminded Bean Boy of how miserable 1 single bug-bite is.  And said, let's imagine that all over our bodies, and put forth a little effort into being compassionate.... the effect was an abundance of tears and a, "Can't we do anything else to help her?"  Oh sweet children!  Friends, sometimes the problem is so big all we can do is PRAY!  And in our prayers thank Him for the misery that leads to new, cleaned-up hearts! 

Thank you Lord for your constant compassion, and that your mercies are new every morning!  Help me not to run out of mercies with my children!!!