Thursday, October 4, 2012

Uncertainty and Doubt

My very handsome young man!

So, yesterday was one of those days.  My frustration level hit an all time high, which made my "grit" sink to an all time low. I just wanted to quit.  I'm so tired of fighting to get an "average" (or less) performance from an incredibly intelligent child.  He's your typical "do just enough" kid...and sometimes, it's just not enough.... Sigh.  His ADD and Executive Functioning disorder are more than just a diagnosis.  It opens up his mother to a whole new world of doubt and uncertainty.  Throw in a tad of giftedness (and hormones) and it is enough to make her want to crawl into a hole for, oh, about 18 years!!!  This. Is. Hard!!!!

I am so thankful for this incredible kid.  He is super, crazy smart.  Hubby says at night they make up math problems to do together, and that Bean Boy is making up trigonometry problems!  Geesh!  He's 11 people!!!  He is super creative and constantly that brain is turning.  It makes my brain feel exhausted.  He is funny.  Fortunately, and unfortunately, he got my sense of humor.  It's funny, but extremely sarcastic and for an 11 year old without discernment... well, it can mean trouble.  Adults love this kid! Really, they do. And, they can never figure out why he causes me so much frustration and stress, because they just think he is so wonderful.  And, he is wonderful....

But, he is a strong-willed kid.  When he was younger, it used to really frustrate me when people thought it would make things better to say, "He is strong-willed. He'll be a good leader one day."  I constantly thought, if he makes it!  I totally see now that no one (and I mean NO ONE) will convince that kid to do anything he doesn't want to do. So, the imperative to teach him to do the right thing, and to pray the Holy Spirit will make him desire the right thing, feels that much greater.

Insert doubt and uncertainty here... This is where I am faint of heart.  I struggle with knowing where he is.  Hubby and I frequently compare him to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.  He is almost completely without emotions or the capability to talk about them.  The only time he shows emotion is when he is dog tired and completely unable to function; which, due to his sleeping issues, is frequently.  And these emotions come in outbursts of tears and unreasonable attitude, and end in him being sent to bed.  I long to connect with him on any level outside of Phineas and Pherb, comics, and fantasy.  It makes my heart ache....

I long for him to be able to sleep.  I long to be confident in the decisions we make concerning him.  I long for him to develop healthy friendships with kids his own age.  The only decision I confidently trust, is our decision to homeschool.  While there are days that I think it would be easier to send him to school, deep down I believe that is a lie from the enemy.  My heart aches for this kid who struggles with a sleeping disorder, inability to organize, and inability to focus.  It hurts.  I do wish it were me and not him.  I never know if I should let him sleep or push him through it.  I never know if I should give consequences for losing school work and books, or revamp our organization.  I feel like I cannot give him the training and tools he needs to become a man who will be able to support his family... there just isn't time!  Some days, I truly feel like a failure.

Insert frustration here.... he's so stinking smart.  My brain and heart oscillate from compassion to frustration.  Surely he is smart enough to remember when you are done with the math book, put it away.  Don't make your sisters squeal; it is not fun for them.  All sentences begin with capital letters and end with a punctuation mark (picture him rolling eyes here).  Now that he is in 6th grade, the pressure (from where I don't know) to focus more on academics and learning certain things, is mounting.  He is 11, I should be able to expect a little bit more maturity.  Right?  So, I get angry.  That solves a whole lot, right?

There just aren't words to describe the constant nagging in my heart, that says I messed up again, the pain of knowing he's not like other kids, the uncertainty and questioning of every decision we make concerning him.  There is fear about what his future holds.  Will he be able to focus enough to hold a job? Will he be able to turn in documents that are completed (and punctuated) correctly, without food and crumpling?  Will he be able to connect with a woman and marry?  There is so much heart grows weak.

I try not to borrow trouble from tomorrow and the future, especially Bean Boy's future.  It is more than I can bear, to think about what could be.  Instead, today I am choosing to believe that God will redeem the situation.  I believe God has a plan for him.  I believe He has a specific purpose and calling, and that Bean Boy is unique for this reason.  I believe apart from God, I cannot have certainty in parenting this amazing kiddo.  And even then, it is hard.  So, minute by minute I must choose to trust God for my son.  It is hard work, this faith thing!  :)

Yes, he is goofy!

Yes, he does like to read the dictionary.....

Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart; Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him and He will act. Ps. 37: 3-5


  1. Oh, Kristy...I think you wrote that out of my head, except, of course, your He is my She and she is two years younger, but the frustration, the doubt, the uncertainty and guilt--that is exactly what is in my head today. It's a lonely journey, especially on the day to day basis of it, but please know that I am praying for you, and for "just another good day". Sometimes that makes it worth it--on the good days. I love when you said "His ADD and Executive Functioning Disorder are more than just a diagnosis"--that's exactly it! I don't want my child defined by her diagnosis, but on the other hand, a diagnosis seems so small compared to what that diagnosis means to our reality and our daily lives. Ugh! Hang in there--you're a perfect Momma for him. God said so, and so it must be true!

    1. You know....knowing that God picked us for him and him for us, is a good thing. Though, sometimes I forget God does know best! :) The diagnosis is small compared to the struggle, but our God is bigger than the struggle! Thank you for your prayers!!! I'll take them!

  2. Hey! You have my son. :) Just to encourage you. Jonathan was/is just like your son. He's 18 now and amazing. My advice would be to move at his pace, don't expect in him what you don't see in him yet. Maturity comes at different rates! It's not the same as what math book to put him in. Also, book smarts aren't the same as street smarts. Yes, he can do upper level math, but that doesn't mean he'll remember to brush his teeth Think of Einstein who couldn't even remember where he lived without the red It will be HARD to find like minded friends for a while yet. Highly gifted kids just don't fit in until they are older. Give him lots of love and support him with lots of extracurricular activities even if he doesn't want them and someday, he'll find just the right kind of friends. Jon found his through boy scouts in 9th grade and engineering camp right before his senior year and last of all at the college his jr/senior years of highschool. :) If you need any help, let me know. I've btdt. lol


    1. Thank you, thank you! I have other friends who have older gifted kids....I know it takes time, and then they do great... It's just exhausting in the mean time. Keeping up faith in God's plan, keeping up after their crazy mess, and keeping up the relationship with the kiddo- EXHAUSTING! :) But worth every ounce of energy!!!